~ EXPECTATIONS ~
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"It’s astonishing in this world how things don’t turn out at all the way you expect them to."
Agatha Christie
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My life has been strangled by expectations ~ expectations I’ve held for myself; expectations others had of me; expectations I had of others; expectations I had for my life; and expectations I had of the God of my
understanding. Again and again, my expectations were not met ~ and I was angry. I felt grossly let down and I was filled with resentment and shame. Eventually I became consumed by a toxic sense of angry and depressing apathy. If nothing turned out as I expected, why bother? I’d held so tightly to my expectations that they choked the life out of my soul. They condemned me to an existence of futility, frustration, selfishness, and despair. I thought that my expectations were realistic and "right"; therefore each variance from my expectations seemed a violation of the natural order of things.
Since beginning my Recovery work, I’ve come to recognize that I virtually believed that I was God. I thought I knew what was "best", what was "right", and what was "supposed" to happen. Though I am sometimes resistant, I am learning to let go of my expectations. I am learning to change my focus from my finite understanding to the mysterious and omniscient plan held safely and sanely in the hands of God. As I work my steps and learn from others, I find that I am relieved that my earlier expectations did not come to fruition.
ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .
I surrender my former expectations and now expect only one thing: that as I work my steps, God will bring me increasing depths of sanity.