~ AMENDS ~
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"If you have behaved badly, repent; make
what amends you can and address yourself
to the task of behaving better next
time. On no account brood over your
wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not
the best way of getting clean."
Aldous Huxley
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I grew up with high expectations of
perfection and a constant feeling of
failure. I seldom recognized truly bad
behavior in myself, but instead I
apologized for the things I had taken on
as my responsibility that were not under
my control. I apologized when the
weather spoiled plans. I apologized for
an adult family member’s poor
behavior. I felt intense shame when I
accidentally slipped and fell, sure that
I'd embarrassed the people with me. Yet
I was oblivious to how I snapped at
people simply because I was in a HALTS
(Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick)
place. My temper was quick to rise and
explode, but I always told myself I had
a "good" excuse or cause.
On the other hand, I could feel so
mortified over my behavior that it
haunted me night and day for weeks, and
even months, after the incident; long
after any witness could recall it. Years
later a phrase would bring the memory
back to the forefront and shame me all
over again as though it had happened
mere minutes before.
I couldn’t seem to find a truthful
middle ground until I began working the
Twelve Steps. In studying the Steps I
learned how to uncover and acknowledge
the wrongs for which I am sincerely
responsible, how to make proper amends,
and how to let go and move on.
ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .
I will remember that I am responsible only for my own behavior and actions. With the help of my Higher Power, I will acknowledge my wrongdoings quickly and make loving amends.