Recovery Meditations ~ Amends ~ One Day at a Time ~ August 21, 2010

~ AMENDS ~
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"If you have behaved badly, repent; make

what amends you can and address yourself

to the task of behaving better next

time. On no account brood over your

wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not

the best way of getting clean."

Aldous Huxley

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I grew up with high expectations of

perfection and a constant feeling of

failure. I seldom recognized truly bad

behavior in myself, but instead I

apologized for the things I had taken on

as my responsibility that were not under

my control. I apologized when the

weather spoiled plans. I apologized for

an adult family member’s poor

behavior. I felt intense shame when I

accidentally slipped and fell, sure that

I'd embarrassed the people with me. Yet

I was oblivious to how I snapped at

people simply because I was in a HALTS

(Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick)

place. My temper was quick to rise and

explode, but I always told myself I had

a "good" excuse or cause.

On the other hand, I could feel so

mortified over my behavior that it

haunted me night and day for weeks, and

even months, after the incident; long

after any witness could recall it. Years

later a phrase would bring the memory

back to the forefront and shame me all

over again as though it had happened

mere minutes before.

I couldn’t seem to find a truthful

middle ground until I began working the

Twelve Steps. In studying the Steps I

learned how to uncover and acknowledge

the wrongs for which I am sincerely

responsible, how to make proper amends,

and how to let go and move on.

ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .


I will remember that I am responsible only for my own behavior and actions. With the help of my Higher Power, I will acknowledge my wrongdoings quickly and make loving amends.