~ FAILURE ~
:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:
"Accept that all of us can be hurt, that
all of us can - and surely will at times
- fail. Other vulnerabilities, like
being embarrassed or risking love, can
be terrifying, too."
Dr. Joyce Brothers
:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:
The prospect of failing ~ or worse yet,
"Being A Failure" ~ was a crippling
monster which held me in its cold and
unforgiving stranglehold. If I thought I
could not do a thing perfectly, I would
not do it at all. If I didn’t know the
"Right" way to act or to be, I was
paralyzed. One day my therapist shocked
me by suggesting I make a mistake on
purpose. She wanted me to practice
giving myself permission to make
mistakes and to survive the experience.
I vividly recall intentionally dropping
a gum wrapper on the ground and leaving
it there. The Fearful Perfectionist
inside of me screamed, "Pick it up! You
never litter! This is wrong!" Yet I also
heard a whisper welling up from within:
"It will be alright. Just let it go."
As part of my Recovery, I am exploring
with brutal honesty the mistakes I’ve
made in my life: the ways and the people
that I’ve failed. Though doing so is
embarrassing, humbling, and frightening,
I am surprised to find a budding sense
of relief. My attempts to avoid Failure
never made me Perfect; rather, they
caused me to be more entrenched in my
pride, insecurities, fears, and stunted
growth. A young girl I know is an expert
skater. I asked her how she learned, and
her answer stopped me in my tracks:
"Mostly by falling down."
ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .
I will practice accepting my failures as necessary steps towards my healing. I will remember that the word "practice" honors the fact that we gain our progress by making attempts, failing, and learning from our mistakes.