~ JOY ~
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"Joy is not in things, it is in us."
Richard Wagner
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Growing up in a household of people in
need of recovery, one of the things I
learned early on is that things can
bring happiness. None of us realized
that the happiness was very temporary,
never seeing us through what feeling we
were wanting to stuff or what hurt hole
deep inside us needed filling. I had so
many feelings and so many holes inside
me that I didn't have near enough money
for the things I needed. What hurting
7-year old in a sick family does?
Given that, it seems natural that I
turned to food to help fill holes. Just
another "thing," but at least the fridge
was always too full, and I didn't have
to worry about the money aspect.
But things caused pain too. I learned
that my parents gave more expensive and
better things to those people they liked
more and wanted to please. I was not one
of those people; my brother was. I noted
every gift and compared, and set myself
up for more hurt that could only be
soothed in the kitchen because I didn't
know any other way.
The food "things" I ran to have caused
less joy in my life than any of the
things I've bought. I've been fat since
I was four, torturing my body over the
years by alternating starvation with
massive bingeing and with purging. I was
never good enough because I've never
been thin enough except for that growth
spurt when I was nine.
Then I found the Twelve Steps. As a
result of working the Steps, I've found
me. As a result of finding me and
learning to fill hurtful holes by
feeling rather than with things or food,
I've truly found the joy that is in me.
ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .
I will remind myself that things and food do not bring happiness; joy is within.