Recovery Meditations ~ Joy ~ One Day at a Time ~ August 14, 2010

~ JOY ~
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"Joy is not in things, it is in us."

Richard Wagner

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Growing up in a household of people in

need of recovery, one of the things I

learned early on is that things can

bring happiness. None of us realized

that the happiness was very temporary,

never seeing us through what feeling we

were wanting to stuff or what hurt hole

deep inside us needed filling. I had so

many feelings and so many holes inside

me that I didn't have near enough money

for the things I needed. What hurting

7-year old in a sick family does?
Given that, it seems natural that I

turned to food to help fill holes. Just

another "thing," but at least the fridge

was always too full, and I didn't have

to worry about the money aspect.

But things caused pain too. I learned

that my parents gave more expensive and

better things to those people they liked

more and wanted to please. I was not one

of those people; my brother was. I noted

every gift and compared, and set myself

up for more hurt that could only be

soothed in the kitchen because I didn't

know any other way.

The food "things" I ran to have caused

less joy in my life than any of the

things I've bought. I've been fat since

I was four, torturing my body over the

years by alternating starvation with

massive bingeing and with purging. I was

never good enough because I've never

been thin enough except for that growth

spurt when I was nine.

Then I found the Twelve Steps. As a

result of working the Steps, I've found

me. As a result of finding me and

learning to fill hurtful holes by

feeling rather than with things or food,

I've truly found the joy that is in me.


ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .


I will remind myself that things and food do not bring happiness; joy is within.