~ THE PRESENT ~
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"Real generosity towards the future
consists in giving all to what is
present."
Albert Camus
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Fear ruled my life until two years
ago. I was paralyzed with fear about the
future and what would happen when "they"
discovered how bad I really was and how
little they could trust me. I was
terrified that the past would catch up
with me and I’d be found out. The guilt
and shame of my last binge came along
for the ride as I replayed the scene
compulsively and beat myself up for
screwing up yet again. This made it
impossible for me to stay in the
present.
In program I learned that I wasn’t
really paralyzed by the past nor the
future; rather, I was paralyzed by fear
of losing control. The only way to
release that fear was to admit, every
hour of every day, that I was powerless
over people, the past, the future and
the food. When I wrote it down and put
it in my God box, I could live in the
present time. It was hard at first, and
I'd grab it back when the fear crept
in. But I'd let it go a little more each
time, allowing me to be free of fear and
enjoy moments of the day. The moments
turned into hours and soon I was
experiencing a full day without
fear. The fear of the past and the
future held less sway over me as I
worked the Steps, surrendered my fears,
and did service.
Service is the most important tool for
me. The more service I do, the more I am
fully alive in the present and I worry
less about the past and the future. The
peace and serenity that replaced the
fear are blessed gifts allowing me to
explore more of the present day. With
them, I can honestly share myself with
others and rebuild relationships. I now
know the freedom of "giving all to what
is present" and I pray for the
willingness to stay in the present and
be generous toward my future.
ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .
I live fully in the present, easily and effortlessly surrendering the past and the future to my Higher Power.