~ HUMILITY ~
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To the humble man, and to the humble man
Alone, the sun is really a sun; to the
Humble man, and to the humble man alone,
The sea is really a sea.
. . . G.K. Chesterton
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Before I started recovery, lack of
clarity was all around me and within
me. There was too much fear. I was
unable to acknowledge: This is who I am,
and this is what's going on, no more,
and no less. I was afraid to name my
husband's abusive behaviour. I was
afraid to name my complicity in it. I
was afraid to name who I was and what I
wanted and needed, and I was afraid to
name the behaviour of those around me
who wanted me to fit into their mold. My
husband was scared silly that one day
the world would find out that we weren't
the perfect family.
So I was not humble. I kept nurturing
the fog that covered what was really
going on. And boy, was I good at it. I
kind of had an inkling that something
wasn't right, so, semi-consciously, I
made sure that my denial was
watertight. I knew that if we pretended
that we were a 100% perfect family,
there might be suspicions. So I made
sure I'd slip in a little problem here
and there.
At one point, luckily, I allowed the
bubble to burst. I started naming
things, loud and clear. I named them to
the police, I named them to my friends
and family, I named them in my poetry. I
started playing with another 12-step
program.
But it took me another twelve years to
name that I was an overeater. In those
years I gained another 70 pounds (with
some yoyo dieting thrown in, of
course). Humbly admitting that, yes,
really, I was an overeater, was the best
thing I've done since ridding my family
of my abusive spouse. I humbly admitted
that I had been abusing myself with my
eating behaviours. Now I can see
clearly. (I can also see more clearly
how wounded my ex spouse is, making it
easier for me to work on forgiving him).
ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .
I accept the gift of humility. I am not afraid anymore to look reality in the eye - and what I see is as right as the sun and the sea.