~ FORGIVENESS ~
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Forgiving is not forgetting; it's
letting go of the hurt.
Mary McCleod Bethune
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When I first came into the program, I
was so fired up with anger and
resentment that I had no space for any
other emotions. After all, I had the
food which would anesthetize me against
any emotions I didn't want to feel. I
was angry with God for all the trauma
and losses that had happened to me in my
life. I blamed my mother for not being
the kind of mother I wanted, which was,
of course, why I ate. But the person
towards whom I felt the most anger and
resentment was my ex-husband, who never
financially supported my children,
making my financial burden and my
present husband's very heavy. What made
it worse was that he was good to the
children and they thought he was great
because they would have fun with him on
a weekend, while we had all the
financial responsibilty and resulting
worry.
But when I came to Step Eight, my
sponsor gently reminded me that I needed
to forgive the people towards whom I
felt the most anger, namely my mother
and my ex-husband. My mother had passed
away and so I had to write a long letter
to her, forgiving her for not being the
person I wanted her to be and also
making amends to her for my part in it
all. I realize now that she did the best
she knew how, just as I have done with
my children, and I have been able to
forgive her with love. When it came to
forgiving my ex-husband, I knew that I
wasn't able forgive him in person, but I
was able to write a letter to him which
I never sent. In it, I forgave him for
being the irresponsible person that he
is. It was like a weight had been
lifted from my shoulders. When my
younger daughter had her 21st birthday,
I could be there for her and not spoil
it as I had done before, and in fact, I
could be almost friendly to her father.
As a result, the relationship with all
my children has improved a hundredfold,
but more importantly, I'm a much better
person for it.
ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .
I will forgive the people who have
harmed me, let them go with love, and
entrust them to their Higher Power.