~ EXPECTATIONS ~
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"It’s astonishing in this world how
things don’t turn out at all the way you
expect them to."
Agatha Christie
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My life has been strangled by
expectations ~ expectations I’ve held
for myself; expectations others had of
me; expectations I had of others;
expectations I had for my life; and
expectations I had of the God of my
understanding. Again and again, my
expectations were not met ~ and I was
angry. I felt grossly let down and I was
filled with resentment and
shame. Eventually I became consumed by a
toxic sense of angry and depressing
apathy. If nothing turned out as I
expected, why bother? I’d held so
tightly to my expectations that they
choked the life out of my soul. They
condemned me to an existence of
futility, frustration, selfishness, and
despair. I thought that my expectations
were realistic and "right"; therefore
each variance from my expectations
seemed a violation of the natural order
of things.
Since beginning my Recovery work, I’ve
come to recognize that I virtually
believed that I was God. I thought I
knew what was "best", what was "right",
and what was "supposed" to
happen. Though I am sometimes resistant,
I am learning to let go of my
expectations. I am learning to change my
focus from my finite understanding to
the mysterious and omniscient plan held
safely and sanely in the hands of
God. As I work my steps and learn from
others, I find that I am relieved that
my earlier expectations did not come to
fruition.
ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .
I surrender my former expectations and
now expect only one thing: that as I
work my steps, God will bring me
increasing depths of sanity.